It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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