you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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