as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
the night ended with taco bell and tears
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
