I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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