I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize