I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
