I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Randomize
