Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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