hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
