I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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