when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
