i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
