I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
