I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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