there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
