when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
