I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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