funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize