He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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