is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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