you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
sarcasm needs its own font
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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