I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
