so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize