The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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