I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
