i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
