I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
