So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
