3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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