Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
