I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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