Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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