I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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