she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
