Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
