this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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