Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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