why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
