my room smells like sperm. sweet.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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