omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
