so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
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