i was rollin on her like bob the builder
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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