he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
