you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
