so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
