Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
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