It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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