i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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