I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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