Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Randomize
