I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
