I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
