Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
