My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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