I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
