Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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